How can you tell the difference between a child's “unwanted” behavior and truly difficult behavior? What if for all your persuasions, suggestions, rules, tasks - you hear "no"? You may be experiencing manifestations of oppositional defiant disorder.
Definition and characteristics
A feature of the oppositional defiant syndrome is a violation of interaction with an adult, namely, a model of nihilistic, hostile behavior, which is usually directed against parents and teachers. According to the DSM`3 diagnostic criteria, oppositional defiant disorder has the following characteristics:
- Regular loss of self-control,
- Irritability when the child is easily irritated for any reason,
- Anger and resentment often prevail in the mood,
- Regularly blaming others for their mistakes or negative behavior,
- Frequent deliberate attempts to tease others,
- Regular disputes with adults,
- A habit of breaking rules and challenging authoritative adults,
- • vindictiveness and anger.
The course of the conflict
The diagnosis can be made no earlier than the 4th year of life, although usually real difficulties arise in elementary school. And then the parents are concerned about the question: does the child hear them? Because the baby, for his part, is sure that all the requirements and rules set by the parents are unfair to him and as a response to all instructions, the best solution is not only to ignore requests and rules, but also to deliberately violate them. In turn, parents, losing control over the situation, their own significance, authority, because such a child's behavior is difficult to withstand, so they try to do what, and as a result, their attempts at educational influence do not have a sequence, where there is a constant, illogical change from strict control to excessive rewards …
Causes of oppositional defiant disorder
Negativism is a normal feature of children's behavior (starting from the age of 2) - the well-known crisis of 3 years, the first separation from parents, testing the limits of the possible, etc. We can only talk about behavioral disorders, pathology, and OVR itself only when this is the main feature of the child's behavior and affects the quality of his life and relations with others. That is, the child does not just say "no", argues with an adult because of a bad mood, but always and everywhere. This is such an interesting toy for him and a way of interacting with adults.
Why is negativism and protest becoming a feature of interaction with adults? There is no single explanation for this. There is some evidence that the mechanism of transmission of the disorder occurs through the hereditary component. But most specialists in different directions (psychodynamic, behavioral) see the reasons for the development of OVR in the following: each child in the process of development and growth strives for autonomy and independence (this is a normal and natural age process). But parents, trying to take care of the child, to control her, slow down her natural child autonomy and the formation of identity. In other words, negativism and behavior in the style of "and Baba Yaga is against" is a response to overcontrol and a child's way of "reclaiming" personal territory. The child is trying with all his might to protect himself from hyper control and guardianship (mom, dad, grandmother), from intrusion into her ego-autonomy. Interaction in a family where there is a child with disabilities is very similar to a system of control over each other: parents control the child's behavior (trying to reduce oppositional behavior), and the child, in turn, controls the parents' behavior towards himself. This tactic occurs regularly, which causes dependence on the behavior of each of the participants. A vicious circle where everyone gets tired - both the child and the parents.
What to do and how to help?
For a child, such behavioral manifestations eventually become a lifestyle, and parents lose heart, and they see no way out. Of course, if every time it becomes more difficult for you to find a language with your child, and you are tired of constant problems at school, you should contact a specialist. Only a specialist is able to correctly establish the diagnosis (in this case, a child psychiatrist). Correctional work can be carried out with a psychologist, psychotherapist who has experience working with IDUs. If we talk about the methods of correction, then the most effective, in my opinion, remains cognitive-behavioral, dialectical and behavioral therapy. And, of course, intensive work with the family system is necessary, that is, the specialist's help is directed to the parents and the child. What can parents already do?
Motivate
Remember that children develop faster and are better at fulfilling / remembering requests when they are positively motivated. You need to reinforce the child's positive, desired behavior. For example, when Petrus fulfilled (albeit less) your request, you reinforce, encourage his behavior with praise. Say: “Great! You managed to put the plate back in place. Thank you! But don't overdo it: reward behaviors that need to be reinforced.
"Disable" control
Give up the usual forms of control and guardianship. Change is never easy. Especially when the control gave at least some influence on the child. But your main parental surrender is to give up such influence so that the child has the opportunity to gradually change his forms of behavior.
Set clear rules
Set clear boundaries and rules before communicating them to your child. You should explain why you are setting these rules. So, you are bound to encounter resistance and negativism. Exposure and a clear algorithm are your allies. Take as your motto: Rule - Encouragement - Limitations. That is, the child should have a choice - to comply with the rules and receive some kind of encouragement, or not to comply - and receive restrictions (punishments). But the child must know all the conditions.
Find common ground
Find common ground. That is, try to find a hobby, hobby, than both of you will be happy to do. During the period of all disputes, failures, quarrels, your relationship with children went through a crisis, so it is worth gradually restoring them, establishing a safe connection.
Being the parent of an “uncomfortable” child is not easy. And in order to help the child, you need to help yourself. Of course, it is possible to "treat" a child. Perhaps it will even have some kind of short-term effect. But until you, as parents, begin to change, act differently, it is unlikely that anything will change. And yes, it’s not easy. But try to start, everything should work out.
