We analyze five phrases that help to defend and protect personal boundaries, but many are mistaken for rudeness. A universal algorithm for marking personal boundaries.
It happens that you say something to a person like “You need to, you do it” and you become enemy number 1. Why? Because the opponent is annoyed that his manipulation has failed. But this is still not as dangerous as the passive aggression of some individuals: “I could have guessed it myself,” “I thought you would help me,” and so on.
And here you are, on the one hand, proud of your behavior (I defended, after all), and on the other hand, you still feel drenched in slops. And even already you begin to doubt whether you did the right thing … Suddenly, and the truth was simply naughty. I think we did everything right, but let's clarify. Let's look at popular phrases that speak of a healthy upholding of personal boundaries, but are often mistaken for rudeness and bad manners.
I do not need it
As soon as you hear the words "must" and "must" from someone, then immediately ask yourself: "Is this so?" Keep your ear sharp and do not forget to check such statements for their usefulness to you and suit your interests, desires, needs, opportunities. If you understand that you really do not need it, then boldly answer: "You need it, you do it." And drive the guilt away.
You didn't ask to help you
In psychology, there is such a rule: “Do not give advice and do not express your opinion if it is not asked. Don't help if you didn't ask. It is also applicable to everyday life. If a person, for some personal reason, could not ask you for help, but hoped that you have telepathic abilities, hear a mute request and help, and then also became disappointed in his expectations, then this is his purely personal problem.
You may have made a mistake sometime before. For example, they always climbed with help and taught others that you can be ridden. But even if this is so, and now you have decided to behave differently, to finally establish personal boundaries, you have every right to answer: "You did not ask for help."
I didn't promise anything
Perhaps someone nevertheless turned to you for help, and you answered: “I'll think about it,” “I'll try,” “I'll try,” etc. And then it turned out that you couldn't help, and an angry one flies in response: "You promised". You can safely answer that you did not promise anything. Well, if you did promise, then, of course, you have to fulfill it. Even if you realized that you promised in vain, another time you will be more resistant to external influences.
People change. Get used to me new
When a person lived for a long time without personal boundaries, was convenient and simple for everyone, and then suddenly began to change, it is extremely difficult for others to accept this. The point is that our entire environment is a system. Everything in it is interconnected. Like any system, it strives for stability. Therefore, when you suddenly become “different”, those around you are trying to turn you into the same: “You weren’t like that,” “What's going on with you?” etc. It is extremely important to stand your ground and say that now you are like this, and this is the only way to interact with you (we will clarify how). If you don't like it, we don't hold anyone.
"It annoys me …", "I don't like …", "I don't want to …"
Identifying personal boundaries begins with articulating your emotions, identifying what doesn't suit you. This also includes: “Don't shout at me,” “Don't bother me,” “Don't try to manipulate me,” etc. - the list can be continued for a long time. There is a tendency in our society to suppress emotions. As soon as you begin to express them and designate your boundaries, you will hear: "Egoist", "Stop yakat", etc. Do not get fooled by this.
In general, the universal mechanism for denoting personal boundaries is as follows:
- we stop the contact that we do not like;
- we say that we do not like it;
- we explain how you can and should interact with us.
You can repeat it a couple of times, but not more. If the opponent stubbornly does not hear or pretends that he does not understand, then we exclude him from life.
