Here are seven popular support phrases that only make things worse and their worthy alternatives. Why is it impossible to support a loved one, friend, acquaintance.
“Pull yourself together, rag”, “What’s it, I had it then”, “Everything will be fine”, “Forget it” are examples of how you shouldn't support a person. In response to this, the opponent will get even more angry and flushed: “Yes, I don't care what you had!”, “I’ll score you now!”, “How do you know whether it will be good or bad! What do you even understand about this ?! etc. Why such a reaction to seemingly good support? Now we'll figure it out.
Everything will be alright
Let's call this a toxic positive. Empty promises anger a person even more, because no one can know for sure that everything will be okay. In difficult times, a person is anxious because he feels a loss of control over himself, the situation, his life. Empty promises reinforce this feeling.
What to replace: “Yes, it will not be easy, but I am sure that we can handle it (you can handle it). After all, you … (we list the advantages and strengths)”. And you can add: “Do you remember once in your life there was a similar situation? Then you sorted everything out so coolly (it is desirable to specify as much as possible what happened and how you sorted it out)."
Do not mind it
This word is perceived as a devaluation of a person's feelings and problems. That is, you seem to be telling him (the opponent hears exactly this): “You are doing bullshit. What happened is stupidity. These are not problems. And your experiences are of no interest to anyone."
What to replace: silence. Just listen to the person without asking unnecessary questions or interrupting. If he himself asks you a question, then speak up. You can add: “I am glad that you decided to share this with me” or “If you want to talk to me about this, then I will gladly listen. I understand that this is very important to you."
If a person is worried about some issue, then for him it is definitely not a trifle that you can just score on. Therefore, it is important to be as tactful as possible, even if in your opinion the object of your feelings is not worthy of attention.
Yes, this is really a problem, that's what I had then
Devaluation again, but also in the context of "You are nothing, but I am great." Would you like this kind of support? Hardly. So the other person doesn't like it either.
How to replace: “I'm sorry / yes, this is unpleasant. I can't even imagine how you feel, but I really want to look at the problem through your eyes and help you. Let's think together how to improve your condition?"
Well, you do it, contact me if that
There is a hint here that you offered abstract help out of courtesy, but you don't really want to get involved in anything.
What to replace: "Let me do this right now, and for now you will do this." For example: “Let me meet your children from school, and you’ll rest for now?”. Or: "Let me help you clean the house." In general, specifics are important. In extreme cases, you can say: “I want to help you. What can I do?". The main thing is to do without the abstract "Well, you are, come in and call, if anything."
"Well, you yourself, of course, are good" and "Yes, it was necessary, of course …"
It's like hitting someone lying down. In difficult periods of life, a person's self-esteem is at zero. He himself recalls only the negative and his mistakes, repeats to himself, "Well, of course you are good," comes up with a hundred options of what should have been done and what should not have been done.
What to replace: discard any value judgments and focus on the person's achievements. For example, on how much he has already done to maintain the relationship (if the feelings are associated with parting).
Even if you think that your opponent himself is 1-100% to blame for what happened, then for now, be restrained. Praise, even if it is irrational, will not be superfluous. And if a person is not at all in business, then it is imperative to raise his self-esteem. Later, when emotions subside, he will be able to evaluate everything objectively.
What about you? What is she? And what's next? BUT? BUT? BUT?
Sometimes we ask for details because we want to better understand everything in order to help. But let's be honest: more often than not, it's just a game of curiosity. Why injure another even more for this?
What to replace: “If / when you want to talk about it - let me know” or “I'm worried about you. Please call when you're ready to talk. Do not injure the person again, do not pull anything out of him with ticks.
“Stop whining! Pull yourself together!"
It is a prohibition on expressing emotions. The person perceives this as “Shut up! I'm tired of it! Nicely? No.
How to replace: "Cry - it will feel better", "Let's go smash the dishes?", "If you want, you can shout at me." In this case, the triviality works. You need to stimulate the person to release emotions in any way. Otherwise, when suppressed, they will go to the unconscious level and from there they will remind of themselves for a very long time through inadequate reactions, fatigue, apathy, irritability, and so on.
Now you know how not to support a person and how to properly support a friend or girlfriend in difficult times.
