Perfectionists are people who believe that if everything is perfect in their life, they will not be able to experience feelings of guilt, pain, fear and shame. For some people, the desire to become perfect through self-development and personal growth is the desire to become better than they are. The fact is that, in their opinion, no one perceives or loves them as they are.
Perfectionism is protection from the outside world, and it is he who prevents a person from enjoying life. Perfectionism is not self-development or self-improvement. It's just a desire to earn praise and approval from loved ones, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues and bosses.
Beginning of trait formation
Perfectionism begins to develop in childhood, when parents reward their child for everything he does well. These can be grades at school, good behavior at home and in society, appearance, creativity, sports, compliance with all the rules of etiquette.
As a result, the child learns that he is what he has already been able to achieve or will achieve in the future. The main thing that should be done is to strive, please, achieve perfection in everything in order to get approval.
The main question that is always in the head of a perfectionist is: "What will people think of me?"
Features of perfectionist people
The perfectionist belief system is destructive. After all, the only desire of such people is to become ideal so as not to feel pain, shame and humiliation.
Since there is nothing perfect in this world, the very idea of achieving this goal is absurd. There is one more detail to pay attention to. Perfectionists just want to seem perfect, applying all their strength to this, while they are not going to do something in the direction of their development.
People suffering from perfectionism are very difficult to perceive and react very painfully to any comments addressed to them. This is followed by feelings of guilt and the conclusion that "I am not perfect." And then the formed model starts to work: “if I’m not perfect, then I need to do better, more correct, more perfect”.
It is important to understand that fear of emerging emotions, such as guilt or shame, only increases the likelihood of it occurring every time a person comes into contact with real life.
How to deal with perfectionism tendencies
To cope with perfectionism, you need to start by accepting that everyone in their life faces negative emotions and is prone to feelings of guilt, shame, or judgment from others. And this is not because he is not perfect, but only because this is how our life is arranged.
Gradually, you should learn to treat yourself with love, understanding and compassion. Develop immunity to emerging negative emotions. If you cannot do this on your own, then you can always contact a psychologist and deal with the problem with him.
It is important to work out some points in a person's behavior and his attitude to life:
- understand and accept that there is no need to strive to become ideal; it is an unattainable goal that will not be crowned with success;
- see that there is no benefit from perfectionism, rather the opposite; the lack of joy and inner freedom is a consequence of the incessant inner conflict;
- it is necessary to find in the memories of the one who became the main authority in a person's life, when and why this happened;
- perfectionists most often suffer from low self-esteem; therefore, a person needs to learn to trust himself, respect himself, stop focusing on other people and their achievements;
- it is important that a person understands that he, like anyone else, has the right to make mistakes and correct mistakes, and there is nothing terrible about that.
