This is a rather important skill that not everyone possesses. To overcome this barrier, it is important to understand where the impossibility of saying “no” comes from even when you want to.
Because only your personal desire can be the reason for your action or inaction. Everything else will be violence, in whatever wrapper it may be wrapped by those who want to get something from us. And no one has the right to consider you an egoist if you have refused someone. An egoist always demands the fulfillment of what is useful and important for him, he thinks only of himself and lives only for himself. And the one who is afraid to refuse - in fact, does not live for himself or for others.
If you cannot refuse and do what they are forced to do, you do it without a soul, without desire, which means that you are doing badly. You yourself and the one who asked for it suffer from this, that is, there is either no benefit, or very little, or it is “rotten”. And this gradually leads to discontent, stress and resentment on both sides.
Ask yourself, "What do I want?" Can you answer this question? Do you have the courage to write 5, 10, 100 of your desires and goals for today, for a month, for 10 years? If not, you don't live for yourself. You constantly do what other people decide for you, and they control your life. So when you say no to them, you are simultaneously saying yes to yourself. Is it important to you?
If a person does not value and does not love himself, he cannot refuse a request, even if he really does not like it. Because he believes that others know better what he needs. Therefore, it is important to understand what pushes you to agree to do what you do not want to do: a sincere desire to help or a desire to be considered good? The second option is the most undesirable: why should you prove and demonstrate that you are good? Any person is initially no worse or better than others, and you are no exception.
Of course, we are afraid to offend with refusal, because from childhood we were taught to be obedient, comfortable for others. We demonstrated this for a long time, but aggression was accumulating inside, which is what they call it: internal aggression. That is, from the outside a person may seem like a sweet, benevolent creature, but inside he has a dormant volcano, which from time to time boils with outbursts of anger. And this is very dangerous - such an outbreak in public can lead to a quarrel, a break in relations and other serious consequences. And for a person who accumulates aggression, it is also fraught with psychosomatic diseases.
To learn to say “no” correctly, ethically, without irritation, you need to listen to yourself very sensitively. Wise people say that being honest with yourself is the best exercise for a person. Take time to remember and write down those moments when you could not refuse, although you were against the request. It is imperative to write down - this is important, because at this moment your subconscious is working, helping to understand the problem deeper. And write down why you couldn't refuse - you were afraid to offend, you didn't dare, just because you were used to doing that. This simple exercise will help you understand the problem and understand its roots.
1. You can rely on your own rules and principles. If it is not in your rules to lend money or drive your car, this will be a good reason to refuse. People respect the rules.
2. Planning your affairs. When a month and even more so a week are scheduled ahead, you can simply say that you have already planned this time, and it will be true.
3. Tell about your feelings related to the request: that it makes you uncomfortable, that you do not like it, and so on - depending on the reason for the request. People, as a rule, respect feelings too.
If none of this technique helps, think - are not you too "sat on your head" by those around you? Most of the time, the answer will be yes. Then re-read everything from the beginning and think over properly which of the points "sinks" in you.
How to learn to say "no" in practice - in the next article.
