Very often, an ordinary conversation smoothly turns into a continuous stream of reproaches and mutual injections. How to avoid this and find the right words during the dialogue?
The most important thing when communicating with two people is to be able to clearly express your thought. Very often we just "pour water", talking at length about everything, except for what we are feeling at the moment. And in the end, when we dump on the interlocutor everything that we have accumulated, he simply gets lost and does not know what to answer him, what to answer and whether it is worth doing it at all. Often, he simply begins to defend himself, accusing you, too, in response to your accusations, and as a result, a constructive dialogue does not work.
In order to explain to the person as clearly and accurately as possible what you want from him, be guided by these four rules.
1. Look at the facts with an open mind
Often we see in the behavior of another person something quite different from what actually is there. For example, constant lateness can be evidence of disrespect for us, unwashed dishes after dinner can be a sign of laziness, etc. This is why you need to learn to look at things without judging them. Let unwashed dishes mean exactly unwashed dishes for you, and not a reason to chastise your husband for a recurrent attack of laziness.
Learning not to evaluate situations is very, very difficult. It's important to remember that every time we label and voice it openly, we make the other person want to defend themselves against us. That is why so often some rough and harsh phrase sounds in response. Try to replace the accusation with a simple statement of fact. For example, instead of: "You're always late!" - say: "You're late again," - and wait for the reaction. It won't be easy the first time, but you will get used to it over time.
2. Don't be afraid to confess your feelings
Listen to yourself. Why is it that these actions of your interlocutor hurt you, causing such an emotional echo? By answering this question, you will be able to better control yourself during the conversation, and at the same time you will understand why you react so painfully to the laundry left on the chair, although, in fact, this is an insignificant detail.
By listening to ourselves and acknowledging our vulnerability, we also acknowledge the vulnerability of others. It will be easier for us to communicate with a person if we identify him with ourselves and admit that he is also not a machine devoid of feelings. Only through knowing ourselves do we know others.
3. Learn to Express Your Needs
Having dealt with feelings, you need to continue digging even deeper. What specific needs have brought these emotions to life? As a rule, everyone has the same basic set (see Maslow's pyramid). Thus, by protesting against the constant lateness of her husband, the wife demonstrates the need to be confident in him and be able to rely on him. Communication without aggression always starts with your own needs.
4. Be clear about your requests
When denouncing your need for words, try not to use negative language, they still will not work. Instead, ask the other person for something in a positive manner. Do not forget to check whether you have been understood correctly. To do this, ask the interlocutor to reformulate your request the way he understood it. Unfortunately, often what we say and what our interlocutor hears does not coincide, so it is so important to constantly "establish contact" and be on the same wavelength with each other.
