It is known that it is much easier to communicate with strangers than with loved ones. In the first case, it will not be difficult to build personal boundaries, and in the second it is much more difficult to do it. What to do if native people criticize? Don't be manipulated by them.
If we are criticized by loved ones, the background is often quite the opposite than in the case of colleagues or strangers.
an attempt to evoke feelings of guilt, suppress and force to do as the critic wants. Moreover, the more often we succumb to these tricks, the stronger the power of the manipulator, the more tactless he will violate our personal boundaries
And if a loved one is categorically unable to separate manipulation from normal open communication, he can turn into a domestic tyrant. And now he decides what to wear, what to eat and how to spend your free time. Therefore, it is important to stop such attempts at border violations in time. No matter how close we are, everyone should have personal space.
inability to express a request in plain text. For example, a loved one cannot say directly that he wants to spend more time with you, and begins to blame for little things. He may say that you are digging too much when cleaning the apartment. That you spend a lot of time on the Internet, that you talk a lot on the phone with your friends. The real reason for this criticism lies in the fact that the loved one would rather like to walk with you in the park, go skiing, go to the movies or visit
Why doesn't he say it bluntly? There are many reasons, and one of them is that we are simply not used to discussing joint plans. We are not used to expressing our desires openly, because we are afraid of rejection. And if they refuse, then I am not worthy of attention, then I am bad. In this case, you need to learn to articulate everything, and this needs to be learned separately.
a person wants to help if he sees that something is wrong. And he is sure that if he criticizes now, then you will certainly change and become better. This is his manner of communication, so he was taught from childhood, and he does not know how to help in any other way
It would seem - much easier to say directly that "this blouse does not suit you, because it makes your skin earthy." They can't do that, so they say: "Well, you can go straight to the coffin." It offends, spoils the mood, but they do not understand it.
In all three cases in different ways, and let's break down all three types of criticism, naming them:
1. Attempts to violate personal boundaries and control can be thwarted with the "Always say yes" technique. Whatever the critic says, you need to agree and confirm his words, but at the same time they need to be devalued. That is, not humiliatingly agree that he is right, but how to turn his criticism into words that mean nothing to you. For example, if you are told that you are not good at cooking, although you are not, you can say that next time the one who knows how to cook will cook better. Or that you need money for a cooking class. Or something else like that. Of course, the critic will not stop and will continue on. It is important to stick to your position, agree and translate the phrase into its meaning, in its own rut, each time saying "Yes".
2. If a person does not know how to directly ask and say what he wants, you can ask: "How am I disturbing you, that I have been cleaning for a long time?" That is, to turn to his personality, to his needs. It is quite possible that he will immediately say what he wants from you.
If it doesn't work out right away, you can use the Negative Questions technique: “Was it really taking a long time to clean up? How long? What could we have done while I spent cleaning? This will prompt the other person to voice the true reason for the criticism.
That is, with the help of these questions, you show that you agree with the critic and are ready to meet halfway in order to change the situation. As a rule, this method works flawlessly, because it puts your interlocutor in the position of "I am right" and does not put you in the position of "I am wrong."You communicate as equal interlocutors looking for a common solution to a problem.
3. The “willing to help” critic does not realize that he is hurting the person with his piercing remarks. In this case, you should not take his criticism to heart - you need to look at the motive. He doesn't want to offend, suppress, or cause guilt; he doesn't want to hurt you. He wants you to be better without realizing that he is hurting.
It is good for such people to ask a clarifying question: "What do you mean?" As a rule, a detailed answer with rational suggestions and clear recommendations will immediately follow. It is better to listen to them and draw conclusions that will benefit everyone.
You can also try to explain to such people that this manner of communication offends you, and in most cases they meet halfway.
You can also prevent criticism by asking in advance for your opinion on what you are going to do, what to wear and what to cook. Then part of the responsibility will be on him, and he will already criticize himself. This technique must be used with caution if a person has a tendency to control and manage loved ones - he can exceed his powers.
In any attempt at criticism from any person, one thing is important - inner self-respect, self-love. Then you will not need to learn, train and apply all these techniques. After all, a confident person communicates so adequately that no one dares to manipulate him. They can try, but they will immediately understand that it is useless.
In the meantime, this love and respect is not enough - use the techniques. They also help you start to respect yourself, and each time you become more and more self-sufficient.
Likewise, it is important to respect the interlocutor, no matter how tactless he may behave. Understand that the person has reasons to criticize you. Even if this is a bad mood, it is still the reason.
And do not accept, do not try on criticism personally to yourself, to your person. When you respect yourself, when inwardly you are absolutely calm, you can realistically assess any situation and not fall under the negative influence of the critic.
