One friend of mine turned to me for advice: “How can you love your mother-in-law? She, of course, is not without claims, and I am not delighted with her either, but I do not want all these squabbles, scandals and intrigues. Maybe somehow try to establish a good relationship?"
This problem is familiar to all times and peoples and is often aggravated by living under one roof. The reasons for the global "catastrophe" are: different views on life, a big difference in age, imposed ideas about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, a sense of rivalry between them, and most importantly, jealousy.
It is difficult for a woman to cope with the loss of her child. She realizes that he is leaving for another. There are also families where the son emotionally remains with his mother even after marriage, but this is a separate topic.
Home wisdom
The best option for a young family is a hotel apartment. If you have no choice - well, but if there is an opportunity to heal separately - use it. The parents of the spouses do not have the best influence on their relationship.
If you live in a separate place and are completely independent from your parents, your mother-in-law and mother-in-law do not have ropes to pull on to guide you. Although this does not prevent them from spoiling your life by coming to visit.
Any negative traits and mistakes of the daughter-in-law are sharply perceived by the mother-in-law, who stands guard over the well-being of her son. It follows that the son should sometimes remind the mother that he is happily married. That he was very lucky with his mother and wife, and he appreciates that they managed to make friends.
Do not sort things out with your parents, do not complain, do not try to influence your husband with their help. This is an excuse for a family quarrel, where the second mother is most likely not on your side. Moreover, you will make peace, and she will remember and upset for a long time. Try with all your behavior to convince your parents that you are happy together, and not vice versa.
Ask your husband to help you improve your relationship: once again do not convey the remarks made by his mother, and if the mother-in-law is wrong or “swims behind the buoys” of your personal life, then it is better that he was the one who told her about it in a soft, playful (and sometimes quite solid) form.
Don't dismiss all mom's advice just because it's HER advice. Some of them can be very helpful and wise. Sometimes, imagining that your friend said the same thing to you, you can see what was said in a better light. In any case, listen, say "thank you", write down the recipe for her jellied meat, sighing that "I can hardly get the same tasty."
Mother-in-law, you know, is also the hero of many stories and anecdotes. And they give advice and are not always happy with their sons-in-law. How would you like your husband to treat your mom? Condescendingly? Respectfully? Politely? Is it better that you love like your own? Your husband expects the same from you.
We also quarrel with our mothers, but resentments against them are quickly erased from memory, but quarrels with my mother-in-law leave an indelible impression. Well, how to forgive such a thing ??? Learn. Learn to forgive. It will always come in handy in life and will be more beneficial for your mental and physical health than morning exercises, vitamins, nuts and honey (emphasize your favorite).
This is not some evil aunt on the bus that you can get nasty in return and forget. This is your husband's mom, a new permanent member of your family. Some break off relations forever and somehow live on, but what is a spouse between two fronts, where each is waging a cold war against each other. Think how bitter it is not to be able to see your grandchildren, to stay with your son.
But daughters-in-law are not always so innocent and right. There are situations when you need to admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It can be difficult to do this, but the feeling of relief, a stone from the soul, is worth it. And the relationship is saved again.
Different situations
There are three lines of behavior in conflicts:
- surrender
- insist on your own
- to find a compromise
Compromise requires prudent behavior on both sides at the same time, and constant attack or flight will not bring family harmony. Behave depending on the situation - if it is fundamentally important for you to insist on your own (parenting issues, your job, etc.) - argue and defend your point of view, if you understand that you can remain silent and give in - give in.
A reason for gratitude
Write on a piece of paper what you can thank and love your mother-in-law for. Of course, for the son, whom you love so much, and without whom you would not have beloved children, for helping with the purchase of an apartment, for not putting a spoke in the wheels when you were going to get married, for the same jellied meat and for the forced perfect order in the apartment on Fridays, for helping you figure out how to make your husband happy.
Vampire lair
There is a category of scandalous people, it is not for nothing that they are often called emotional vampires who live according to the principle "made nasty - joy at heart." Do not rush to immediately classify your mother-in-law in this category. But if “it’s the most”, then the only thing you can do is to keep the relationship to a minimum and try not to react to attempts to ruin your mood. But!
- try all of the above in order to mend relationships before giving up
- do not forbid your husband and children to see their mother and grandmother
- Give all of you a "second chance" if need be.
Relationships are an ongoing process that requires a lot of effort. Preparing for the wedding, the first years of marriage, the birth of children - all this will open up new challenges and obstacles for you.
My aunt once said: "I am a mother of two sons and I treat my husband the way my daughter-in-law would like to treat my son." Simple and accurate. This is what your mother-in-law wants from you (if she is mentally healthy). This phrase is the key to understanding your mother-in-law and her expectations of you. The main thing is to remember that in front of you is a living person just like you. And you have something in common - love for her son.
