When others are responsible for you and your feelings - mom, dad, husband, friends, upstairs neighbor, circumstances, weather, you have no choice. You live the way others want. And it's good when your life preferences and desires coincide with theirs - a neighbor starts drilling when you are already awake, the weather is always sunny, when you are going outside, your husband behaves according to your ideas without unnecessary reminders. But if not?
We will be angry, hysterical, demand that it be our way. And this is the best case. At worst, we will be silent, because..
- it is a shame to ask for something and demand;
- it will offend others;
- you can't be an upstart;
- what people will say;
- if I speak about my claims, I will be rejected;
- I have to be good.
The list is endless why people prefer to be silent and stew in their emotions and thoughts. And this silence is not in vain. As Grandpa Freud said: “Unfortunately, suppressed emotions do not die. They were silenced. And they continue to influence a person from the inside”. And hence the neuroses.
The matter is complicated by the fact that a person is not always aware of his feelings and emotions. I may not be aware of some of my feelings, it will be hard for me physically, and I will not understand from what, referring to the weather or jumping pressure. This is how the psychological defense formed long ago works.
For example, a child in early childhood asked a parent to hug him, but the parent was out of sorts and refused very sharply. What did the baby experience at that moment? Rejection, humiliation, shame, bewilderment. This episode, repeated a couple more times, forever traumatizes the child's psyche. The psyche is a very smart thing. So that the child never again experiences these unpleasant feelings, he will never ask for care and affection and in every possible way avoid the feelings that traumatized him. And if he experiences them, he is unlikely to be aware.
The case itself will be forgotten, erased from memory, but the protection will already be triggered automatically. On its subcortex it is written: I am not worthy, I will be rejected, it is better not to ask for anything, the shame is very painful, unpleasant, I do not want to experience it again.
To compensate for the lack of human warmth, as an option, he will simply devalue everyone, make them unworthy of his attention or evil in his imagination, and avoid contact. And inside, that very offended little boy will cry all his life.
So that's it. How neurosis is formed. Neurosis is always an intrapersonal conflict, an unconscious collision of two leading motives. Their struggle creates tension, which in turn grows and seeks any way out through the psyche and body, neurotizing a person (panic attacks, OCD, anxiety, illness).
Let's go back to the boy. On his conscious level, he rejects all people because they are evil and bad. On the unconscious - he really wants love and acceptance, but is afraid to ask for it. The fear of being rejected is again too strong (the need for love and acceptance is one of the basic needs of a person).
The fight is in full swing. And this child is already over 30, he is lonely, suffers from panic attacks, VSD, OCD or some other "exhaust" from his internal conflict and does not understand what is going on at all. He goes to doctors, drinks tranquilizers, sees danger everywhere and fears death.
