Analysis of 6 problems from adult life and their roots from childhood: inability to enjoy, passivity and self-suppression, comparing oneself with others, inability to build close relationships, dependent relationships, problems with understanding and expressing emotions. Recommendations for overcoming.
Freud believed that upbringing has a greater influence on the formation of the personality and the future of a person than genetics. He said that most of the problems of adults are rooted in childhood, that is, in the conditions of development within the family.
Let's analyze popular problems in adulthood and their roots from childhood: inability to relax and rest, addictions, a ban on expressing emotions, and much more. Having understood the reasons, you can help yourself (give what was missing) and get rid of pressing problems.
Inability to rejoice, rest, and relax
There is guilt and fear behind this. And these feelings are associated with parental attitudes such as:
- "Don't be fooled"
- "Behave normally"
- "Stop hooliganism"
- "Do not be noisy",
- "What are you, how little",
- "You are already an adult - you need to think about study and work."
Under each of these phrases, there is a message “You are bothering me. Be comfortable and quiet."
Allow yourself to fool around and relax. Reassure yourself that 10 or 20 minutes of rest will not ruin your life or nullify any previous achievements. First, set aside a special time in which you allow yourself to be a "bad boy / girl", that is, to be uncomfortable with your inner parent. Gradually increase this time, revealing yourself more and more.
Passivity and self-suppression
Children who were brought up with the phrases "Don't shame me", "Sit quietly and don't stick your head out", "Why can't you just be normal, like everyone else?" and the like, grow into lost adults. They forbid themselves to do what they want, rewind time at work they do not like and have fun with alcohol.
You need to remember all your dreams and desires, starting from early childhood and return at least something to yourself. At least acquire a hobby, but it's even better to rebuild your whole life.
Comparing yourself to others
Children who were constantly criticized or compared with others (“Why did Petya have 5, and you have 3?”, “Why can't you be the same obedient girl as Masha is with Aunt Vera?”, Etc.), grow up with the habit of comparing oneself to others and a painful urge to finally earn the love of their parents. After all, such phrases are perceived by a child as follows: “If you are as capable / good / smart as Petya / Sasha / Pasha / Masha, then I will love you. But not yet."
Stop trying to earn love for something. Give it to yourself just like that. Realize your uniqueness and unconditional value. Each person has a unique set of innate characteristics (speed of reactions, mobility of the nervous system, inclinations, and much more), as well as a unique experience. We are all different, so you need to focus only on personal success.
Even in pedagogy (in theory, this is rarely the case in practice), the teacher grades not only on the basis of general rules and requirements, but also on the basis of the student's personal achievements. For example, if in the last dictation there were 7 mistakes, and in the new work - 4, but in general it still pulls for a three, then the teacher still puts a four.
Inability to build close relationships (friendship, love)
Mistrust in the world arises for two reasons: either the parents convinced the child that the world is dangerous ("All people are deceivers", "Don't go there") or by their example they showed that people are evil (beat and humiliated the child, betrayed). Both of these lead to isolation.
You need to get out of your shell. Of course, there are deceivers, scoundrels, and dangerous types among people, but these are rather exceptions. You need to learn social interaction, because the need for communication and acceptance by society is one of the basic needs of an individual.
Dependent relationship
We are talking about those cases when a person takes an infantile position and sees his parent in a partner. He expects that the partner will decide everything for him, support him, take care of him, etc. True, sometimes addiction is combined with violence.
This behavior develops in two cases: if the parents kept telling the child “You are still small”, deprived him of independence, and if, on the contrary, the child had to be a parent for his parents (in adult life, he seems to live what he missed).
In any case, you need to learn to take responsibility and gradually master the world of adults. He's not as scary as he seems.
Difficulty understanding and expressing emotions
Anyone who has been told something from childhood in the style of "Do not cry", "Be patient", "Stop whining", "Do not shout", etc., gets used to blocking their emotions and feelings in adulthood. In order not to feel devalued and humiliated, the child turns off the emotional sphere and in adult life can no longer turn it on. Outwardly, he turns into a robot, but passions boil inside him (suppressed feelings accumulate, collected over a lifetime). Internal stress translates into psychological and psychosomatic problems. One must learn to release emotions.
In conclusion, I recommend reading the book by N. I. Sherstennikova “The House of Our Childhood. Children's roots of adult problems”.
