Many people who become parents have a vague idea of parenting. This is not taught in schools, little is said about it in the media, and not all universities read subjects related to pedagogy. Therefore, in an attempt to curb children and impose their own worldview on them, some adults do not shy away from the methods of real psychological violence. These people are called "toxic" parents.
It is worth noting that all people are prone to erroneous actions. Therefore, before labeling someone as a "toxic" person, it is worth figuring out whether this is so. If the mother of a 14-year-old girl forbids her to go for a night looking for a walk in the company of adult men, then she can hardly be called “toxic”. Although this very 14-year-old girl will try to convince everyone around her and herself that her mother is "toxic" and a real monster.
"Toxic" parents poison the lives of their children, giving them conflicting signals, leaving after communication with themselves emptiness and the desire to leave to live on another planet.
Signs of toxic parents
“Toxic” parents inflict psychological trauma on their children by humiliating and abusing them. However, they do not always do it consciously. "Toxic" parents have a number of signs that can be easily identified:
- Constant emotional attacks from parents. In such families, children determine the mood of their parents by the sound of the key turning in the door lock. After all, if mom or dad came in a bad mood, then all this anger and negativity, like a tsunami, will hit the child like a wave. The whole life of such children is filled with psychological stress, anxiety and "brain eating" on the part of their parents. At the same time, even attempts to show kindness and care on the part of such parents cause fear and distrust in the child. Then parents often say their favorite phrase: "I try to do everything for you, but from you there is no love and gratitude."
- Trying to make friends with the child, constantly undermining his trust. When parents are friends with their children, it's great. But friendship is also a responsibility. “Toxic” parents at first try with all their might to make friends with their children, using phrases such as “you don’t tell me anything”, “you have no one closer than your parents,” “are friends really dearer than your parents?” etc. But one has only to tell their child a secret in secret, so it immediately becomes an occasion for discussion with relatives or various jokes surrounded by familiar people. How then can a child trust his parents if every attempt to open his soul turns into a knife in the back?
- High demands for the future success of children, sprinkled with humiliation. Such parents require only high results from their children. They must be excellent students, Olympiad winners, champions. At the same time, all achievements are taken for granted by them. Such parents will not tell their child who won the gold medal "Well done, you deserve it!" They will say: "At least somewhere you haven't messed up!" In such families, the child has to go out of his way to prove to his family that he is not a loser.
- "Motivating humiliation" and lack of help. "Toxic" parents are sure that if they say that their son is stupid, then he will sharply want to become smart. A mother, constantly telling her daughter that she is ugly and fat, is sure that this will be a great motivation for putting herself in order. But when the daughter decides to go on a diet and sign up for the gym, all this begins to be perceived with hostility: "All these diets are nonsense, you need to eat right, so she quickly sat down and finished the third bowl of soup!"
- Attempts to make the child a witness and participant in a personal drama. These parents love to devote their children to the problems of their relationship. Both mother and father, who are on the verge of divorce, who once got married on the fly, will often remind their child that it was he who became the source of all troubles. A single mother trying to find happiness with her next boyfriend will constantly remind that if it were not for the child, she would have been happy for a long time. At the same time, constantly reminding her daughter that all men (including her father) are representatives of artiodactyls.
- The requirement to follow your instructions with the transfer of responsibility for their implementation to children. Such parents play the role of masters of the destinies of their children, I always know how and what they need to do. But, if the next instruction the child suddenly admits a failure, the “toxic” parents shift the blame not to him, a simple performer: “So what, I said so. You must have your own head on your shoulders! " At the same time, failure to comply with the decrees will be costly for the child's psyche, since "parents want only the best", "you need to listen to parents, because they have more experience" and "if you don't listen, you will regret your whole life."
- Imposing your help with reproaches for accepting it. Toxic parents constantly offer help that their children do not really need. But if children refuse this unnecessary help, then in return they will receive a bunch of reproaches and resentment. If children give up and nevertheless accept this unnecessary service, then in return they receive a bunch of other reproaches: "Look, such a healthy forehead, but you can't do without the help of your parents."
- Constant attempts to chain them to themselves. As soon as the child grows up and realizes that he can live independently, and most importantly, inform his parents about this decision, he will immediately hear 1000 reproaches about how he, so ungrateful, abandons his parents: “They raised him, invested their souls, and no thanks in return. I'm ready to take and leave my parents like that! Traitor!" But as soon as adult children agree to live with their parents, I immediately begin to reproach them with a piece of bread and square meters. A “toxic” parent will do his best to keep the child at home, while keeping him quiet and submissive even in his 30s and 40s.
- Transformation of a child into a submissive doll. “Toxic” parents always know better how to dress their children better, what music to love, what movies to watch, what to do in their free time, what profession to get, who to marry, where to work, how to live, when and how many children. At the same time, they are sure that the duty of their children is to listen to their parents, be silent and do what they say.
How to protect yourself from parental toxicity?
Even grown-up children do not always manage to break out of "toxic" relationships with their parents. However, psychologists have developed a number of recommendations to protect themselves from the "toxic" influence of their parents:
- Accept your parents for who they are. Toxic parents will not change. However, you can change the attitude towards their words and actions.
- Understand that children are not to blame for their parents' toxicity. Parents are fully responsible for their own behavior.
- If children have to live under the same roof with "toxic" parents, it is recommended that they find a way to remove negativity from themselves. This can be attending drawing circles, dancing, playing music or sports.
- Try to keep communication to a minimum. You should not completely abandon your parents, but communicating with them to the detriment of your well-being is also not a good idea.
- Accumulate your experience. You should not completely follow the rule "parents know better what their children need". Each person has the right to decide for himself what to do, thereby filling his own "bumps".
- To dispose of their own resources: time, money earned and energy.
- Don't sacrifice your own interests for the whims of your parents.
- Live separately and according to your own rules.
Separately, it should be noted that in the event of difficult life situations, it is worth seeking help from professional psychologists. In Russia, this measure is not yet popular and often arouses skepticism, however, timely psychological assistance will allow not only to minimize the psychological consequences of parents' toxicity, but also not to become such an unpleasant person in the life of their own children.
