How to understand your child? What if you cannot accept some of his features? How to deal with this?
Why you need to accept your child.
Sooner or later, every parent has a question why his child behaves in one way or another. Sometimes a child (especially in adolescence) behaves exactly the way we do not like the most, and it can be very difficult to achieve mutual understanding in these cases.
To answer these questions, we suggest looking at relationships with children from an acceptance perspective.
What is acceptance and what is its value in terms of relationships with children?
Acceptance is both an attitude and a style of behavior. To accept another person as he is means to perceive him in all his uniqueness and originality, without trying to alter anything in him that we do not like. It often happens that a certain person inspires sympathy in us, despite his shortcomings. As a rule, we develop mutual understanding with such people.
But acceptance is more likely not even sympathy, but allowing another person to be as he was created. This is a recognition of his right to be unique, to have his own convictions (different from ours) and, of course, allow him to make his mistakes and go his own way in life.
Every person wants to be accepted as he is, regardless of whether it is a child or an adult. However, this is much more important for a child, since his worldview and attitude towards himself and others is formed.
Acceptance is one of the most important facets of communication. Quite often we do not like something in others, and we are ready to redo and change them to meet our expectations. The greatest "temptation" arises in relation to our relatives and friends, and especially in relation to our children.
One of the main goals of parents is to educate a child, that is, to change what is in him with what we consider necessary. And is it always what we consider necessary is what a child actually needs to grow up, determine his place in society and so that he be happy? Do we always meet one of the most important needs of the child - the need for acceptance?
Before us, dear parents, the question always arises of how to educate a child (that is, to instill the necessary thoughts, qualities and norms of behavior, to change him), while recognizing his most important needs. And sometimes it is very difficult. On the one hand, love and acceptance of the child as he is and whatever he does, and on the other hand, there is an invariable task of upbringing - to form a personality not just how, but so that it is a full-fledged member of society, correctly and adequately adapted to the environment. environment and realizing its potential.
To understand this situation, it is necessary to single out the more important one, no matter how difficult it is to do it.
In our opinion, the importance of acceptance exceeds the importance of the formation of the necessary qualities and norms of behavior. Acceptance is a basic human need, and it even determines, rather, not what a person can achieve with certain qualities, but the ability to change and develop different qualities in oneself. After all, if I was accepted in childhood by anyone, I have much more chances to realize myself in this life, I am not so rigidly attached to certain forms of behavior.
Let's give an example. If I am brought up only as a tough person, then perhaps I will achieve great success in business, because in this area, uncompromising is often necessary. And if I am accepted by anyone (in all my manifestations), I can be both tough and compliant, depending on what is appropriate in a given situation. That is, I will have one more degree of freedom. And this is very important because it further increases my chances of achieving success.
In our opinion, it is possible to combine these two opposite tasks, which at the beginning, of course, conditionally, we defined as "Adoption" and "Education". Or even not a connection, but rather a reconciliation.
Reconciliation is possible when accepting a child is given more priority over other tasks. It is then that the most favorable situation is created, which ensures the development of the child.
In this case, parents act as a gardener who carefully looks after their garden and flowers, directs their growth in the right direction set by nature, sometimes even cuts them, which allows them to reveal their unique uniqueness and beauty. And here one thing is very important. This gardener allows a rose bush to grow into a rose bush rather than trying to convert it into a black currant bush. The gardener achieves excellent results if he respects the rose bush's right to be unique and the right to follow its natural path of development.
With this approach, the uniqueness that the child initially carries, supplemented by the efforts of the parents, is revealed and brings wonderful results.
Unfortunately, however, this is not always the case. What happens if you change a child, ignoring his need for acceptance? That is, if nurturing the necessary character traits is ahead of adoption?
In this case, we inevitably find ourselves in a situation where we begin to change in the child what we personally do not like. Let's call such upbringing education from the point of discontent, that is, such upbringing, the source of which is what we like or dislike in ourselves or in people.
For example, you don't like modesty. Well, it makes you nervous and annoying. You are a fighting person and are used to achieving everything in life. In yourself and those around you, you love qualities such as confidence, assertiveness, courage in making decisions, and you do not like the opposite qualities (insecurity, shyness, etc.). When you have a child, you naturally begin, within the framework of upbringing, to "undercut" these character traits in him, such as shyness and shyness. Now notice one difference. It is very important. You can educate and instill in a child confidence and assertiveness, or you can "wean" him from shyness, relatively speaking, scold and punish him when he shows this quality.
The first is upbringing in which the child's need for acceptance is satisfied, and the second is precisely the action from the point of discontent. What is the result? If you do not accept any quality in yourself, then you will not accept it in your child. Relatively speaking, if you do not like rudeness, then in your child you will not tolerate it. But by not accepting this trait in the child and fighting with it, you fix the child on it. And since you have fixed the child on this quality, then sometimes it is he who begins to show it.
What happens? It becomes exactly what you do not love and do not accept. So, strong and strong-willed parents often grow up weak-willed children. And here, again, the key is acceptance.
Now let's look at what results we get when raising a child from a point of discontent.
Here are three main reactions to such influences.
1. Protection (the child defends himself, reduces emotional contact and goes either into himself or into some of his own interests).
2. In spite I will do the opposite.
3. I will obey (especially if the parents are authoritarian).
Such reactions arise due to the fact that actions from the point of discontent infringe upon the child's initial freedom (after all, children, especially up to 10 years old, perfectly feel whether a particular action comes from acceptance or it comes from a point of discontent). Actions from the point of discontent infringe on the child's right to be unique, to be himself.
And, of course, reactions to such upbringing cannot be productive.
By the way, by them it is very easy to determine from what point we are operating.
If you closely follow this logic, you can see that the obstacle to unconditional acceptance is what we ourselves do not accept in ourselves and in others.
And here you cannot do without introspection. After all, without realizing that I do not love and do not accept in myself and in the world, it is difficult to track when we act from the point of acceptance, and when from the point of discontent.
So how can you accept your child?
Let's try one exercise. It will require observation and sincerity.
Think of 7-12 people from your inner circle. Write on a blank sheet of paper: "I don't like the people around me and myself ….".
Now sit down in a calm atmosphere, relax, take a sheet and answer this question. The answer might even be a whole list. Try to really remember and understand the main thing that you do not accept in yourself and others.
It is advisable to do this exercise not mentally, but in fact. Now look at your list. Suppose he has qualities such as non-obligation, shyness, etc. Is there something on your list that you don't accept in your child? Are you annoyed when you see it as manifestations of, for example, shyness or non-obligation?
If this happens, then perhaps you just need to separate your grievances and what you dislike about others and yourself from how you are raising your child. Or not even separate (after all, such qualities may in fact be undesirable), but rather, separate what you do not like yourself, and what your child should be. Relatively speaking, if you understand that modesty is an unacceptable trait for you (and in fact it can be very necessary and useful), then you will already allow your child to be both assertive and modest. The very understanding will help you get closer and find mutual understanding.
But that is not all. In life, there may be situations when you notice that you are behaving in the old way. For example, you will notice that you are still annoyed with certain manifestations of your child, and you still want to "remove" them in one way or another. What to do then?
There can be no specific recommendation here. Everything is different for everyone. Probably, here you will have to think about why you do not like this or that manifestation (for this you can contact a specialist) or just be attentive to what you are experiencing at the moment.
When you find yourself just about ready to start rebuilding the child from the point of discontent, you have the opportunity to stop, catch your breath, and do something else. If you change your external behavior several times, then the habit of educating from the point of discontent will go away, which will become the key to the development and strengthening of warm and sincere relationships.
Good luck, dear parents!
Psychologist Prokofiev A. V.
