Why is it tempting to criticize others (six reasons), how to stop doing it. How to criticize others correctly (if asked).
“You devalue everything all the time! You can only criticize! If your next relationship with someone ended with such a phrase, then this article is definitely for you.
How to stop criticizing others, or the reasons for criticism
To stop criticizing others, you need to understand why you are doing it. How to understand yourself:
- Understand that criticism is a subjective assessment of something or someone.
- Ask yourself: "Why am I evaluating someone if I was not asked about it?" The main thing is to answer honestly. This is important, albeit sometimes unpleasant.
There are not so many answers to the second question - only six:
- You want to assert yourself at someone else's expense. When criticizing someone, the person seems to say: “I am better than you. I understand this more."
- You are trying to distract yourself from your worries and problems. Perhaps right now you are haunted by some obsessive thought, and you want to be distracted by a conversation with another person. Criticism is just an excuse.
- You have become a hostage to black and white thinking. It is a cognitive distortion and a psychological defense mechanism. The bottom line is that a person thinks in extremes: bad - good, expensive - cheap, worthy - unworthy, all or nothing, right - wrong, smart - stupid, etc. Thinking extremes arises from the fear of decision making and mistakes, suppression in childhood, internal contradictions. Black and white thinking is a simplified form of world perception. In some cases, black and white thinking is a symptom of borderline, narcissistic, or depressive personality disorder.
- Do you want to talk. Perhaps you expect criticism to be followed by discussion. You want to share your experience, speak up.
- You want to make a scandal. Some people criticize in the hope of hearing an aggressive response, "spinning" it and, finally, letting out the accumulated negative.
- As a child, you were often criticized, scolded and condemned, so in adulthood you do the same with yourself and others, or only with others. In this case, criticism is usually combined with condemnation.
Criticism is only relevant when you have been asked for it.
How to criticize a person correctly (if you have been asked to do so)
When criticizing others, rely on just two rules:
- Don't judge the whole person. It is necessary and possible to evaluate, that is, to criticize, his individual actions, words, thoughts, character traits. Thus, instead of saying "you are stupid / lazy / different," you need to specify what exactly about the person you do not like.
- Start good. First, emphasize the merits, and then express your wish. For example: “I like how quickly and with what interest you do your job. Now, if you had been more attentive, then the price would not have been to you."
For the sake of fairness, I note that it is almost impossible not to evaluate anyone and anything. Each of us has a need for recognition, which means that we will compare ourselves with others (someone is more, and someone is less). In addition, evaluation means that you have your own opinion, beliefs and views.
Do not try to come to a completely non-judgmental perception of the world. But remember that you can judge others silently. And don't forget to ask yourself: why am I evaluating?
