I can’t, I don’t know how, I don’t know, I can’t cope. Both children and adults sometimes reason this way. But when such a position in life is observed in the formed personality of a person, it is a learned helplessness, and it is the result of improper upbringing.
An environment where you are always in control
Here we mean overprotection and the desire of the parents, or those who replace them, to live their lives for the child, or in other words, to save the “blood” from everything terrible. When the children of such parents grow up, they are haunted by a constant feeling of dependence on another - courageous, serviceable, all-knowing, etc. This is when they say "he / she is my part and my everything." Also, the environment where a person was constantly monitored becomes the basis for the development of dependent relationships, because there is practically no personal knowledge and skills, self-confidence, competence. And the point is not that a person does not have something, or does not know how. The fact is that such a person has steadily formed beliefs like "and for what?", "What's the point?", "I still don't know, I can't …" that a helpless person lives. Unfortunately, helpless adults bring up helpless children like that.
An environment where they always whine
Another source of helplessness is observing the negative experience of being helpless by others (as an example, from parents to children). When a person observes for a long time, or is in an environment where nothing can be done, a persistent feeling of helplessness is formed. For example: have you heard from your entourage the words that there is no point in changing something in this country, or phrases like "the same will come to power again?" So - it is this personal attitude that is formed and transmitted to others, for example, when for a long time people observe how any attempts to change something have no results. Then they get the feeling that it is useless (and sometimes dangerous) to act.
Real losing streak
The third way to find a sense of sustained helplessness is to live a long series of life's failures and crises and not be able to solve them. In other words, when you find yourself in the "black streak of life", and no matter what you do, everything is useless. And in the future, a persistent feeling and conviction is formed “I am not worthy, I can’t do anything, I am powerless, weak”. The expression "hands down" is an accurate description of this state. And the most insidious trap of this state is that negative experience in one situation is automatically transferred to other situations. For example, having experienced a series of failures, it seems to you that there is no hope ahead of improving the situation, correcting it. And even when you tell yourself that you will start a new life on Monday / Tuesday / New Year, you find yourself on the same wheels over and over again. Any trigger situation (past experience that conveys hello to the future) will stimulate the experience of the same feelings and beliefs that were steadily formed in the past. Our past shapes our future. Therefore, let me remind you once again that competence (both in a child and in an adult) is formed only through the personal "I myself, I can do it!" Feeling in control in life is a basic thing that is essential for a healthy life.
What to do about it?
But learned helplessness is "cured"! How? Probably, it would be trite to say "psychotherapy", but this is more effective. However, in order to go to a psychotherapist, it is still necessary (and worth it, of course) to make an effort. And, perhaps, the therapist will become the final link in the "treatment plan" of learned helplessness. Let's try now to start a treatment plan on our own.
First of all, I want to say to each of you: I believe. I have faith in everyone. These are not empty words of the "text", these are actually the words that I repeated and will repeat every time in those moments when I hear in the walls of my office: “I cannot. I do not know how". Everyone has that positive experience of action, achievement of goals, success, competence, which is hidden somewhere in the depths of our memory. When will you remember and get your positive "and I know how!" I have already done this!”, Then observe yourself, what you notice at the moment of remembering and living this experience.
If you are faced with a difficult and important task that you never seem to be able to accomplish, start doing something to accomplish that task. As the saying goes, eat the elephant in small portions. The elephant is large - it scares, instills a feeling of lack of control on your part. The challenge is to bring back control to any why. “Now I see an elephant (we call the problem). And now I'm ready / I can do this (determine the portion sizes). And I'm starting to do it on this day and time."
Praise yourself for any attempts to do something. I know how difficult it is to feel hopeless to do anything. But it's worth getting started. All great things are done through small accomplishments.
Choose a safe environment
Usually I talk about the need for a system of social support and connections for a person. It's like an airbag. This is where you can safely talk about your accomplishments. However, it also happens when a person does not have this support. Sometimes a psychotherapist helps. But you can also keep a diary of achievements. Or letters summarizing (day, week, month). Try to write down your unique experience in achieving the goal. Compare yourself then and now. You will see the difference!
Stick to regularity
The human brain is definitely an organ of genius. He's also pretty lazy. And he needs to be reminded every time and repeat any action that he wants to fix. Therefore, you need to do all the previous cases for at least three weeks in a row. New neural connections are formed within 21 days. And we need them in order to consolidate new knowledge and skills. Also, with the repetition of a certain action, neural connections are strengthened and form memory grids. Simply put, the more regularly we perform a positive action, the more effective we will feel afterwards, because we know and feel the positive experiences of the past.
