Sometimes there are outbursts of aggression between loving people. They say that the darlings scold - only amuse themselves. Indeed, most often violent quarrels give way to ardent reconciliation, and life goes on. But it happens that natural love aggression begins to grow, destroying the world of love, which is becoming more and more fragile.
Why does aggression arise between loved ones?
It is believed that loving people should experience extremely positive emotions when communicating, but in practice everything can be much more complicated - in communicating with a loved one, you can come across irritation, and icy cold, and rage, and, accordingly, complaints, anger and resentment … Why do close people, who have the most tender and passionate feelings for each other, sometimes begin to get angry and behave as if a black cat had run between them, as they say?
It has been noticed that close people hurt each other much more often than strangers. The stronger the attraction and intimacy, there are more destructive passions, sometimes simmering in this intimate personal space. Negativity in close relationships is inevitable. Accumulating in the form of misunderstandings and grievances, it concentrates into aggression and can flare up with such a scandal that after that the lovers themselves are at a loss: maybe there is something wrong with them? Or is something wrong with the relationship? The myth of "sublime love" collapses as soon as in the dwelling of two loving people there is a ringing of dishes broken "in their hearts".
As a result of such outbreaks, feelings of guilt and resentment appear. It pushes people away from each other. They become a source of painful experiences for each other. The feeling of guilt leads to the fact that one wants to hide from a loved one, the feeling of resentment leads to reproaches, thanks to which the negative accumulates and turns into another "pitfall". How to deal with such situations? How to avoid escalating tension in a relationship?
Aggression between people is inevitable. It is not worth spending energy on "not noticing", restraining, hiding it. The spring, in the end, will be unclenched - and aggression will receive a new round. It is necessary to understand that aggression is a completely natural thing between people, and to learn to express dissatisfaction with each other - adequately, without turning irritation into a serious quarrel, which devalues everything positive, good and light that was in the relationship.
Learn to express grievances against each other
- Do not make "concrete" conclusions: "This is his true face" or "She was always like that, just disguised." These conclusions do not say anything about a person, except that in case of a nervous breakdown, we simply do not know how to control ourselves.
- Eliminate obscene language from the lexicon. Calling, degrading the dignity of a loved one, you thereby reduce his self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem will either try to offend you even more painfully, or simply leave the uncomfortable personal space in search of a person who is more loyal to his shortcomings.
- Noticing in yourself irritation, and even hatred, do not be alarmed. Find the cause of the negativity. Perhaps for this you will need to honestly look at the situation and understand that it is not your loved one who is to blame for this, but yourself. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. How would you behave in his place?
- Having found a reason and considering it valid, talk to a loved one, showing the maximum of goodwill and patience. You may need to reiterate your request to "don't throw your socks around" or "don't throw light on the toilet." In no case do not get carried away with arrogance: "Do I have to repeat the same thing three hundred times?" or "You didn't learn to hear me the first time"? Habits are very difficult to change, including bad ones. You will have to either slowly eradicate them, or put up with them and not fray your nerves in vain for yourself or your loved one.
- Don't hide what is tormenting you. Perhaps you have a high level of anxiety, responsibility, or are you overly jealous? These are your problems that you can discuss with your loved one, but in no case is it a reason to vent your own anger on him, take out psychological problems. Saying out loud what does not allow you to calmly enjoy communication while the problem has not yet become overgrown with negative emotions, you are, as it were, confessing. admit your own imperfection, lighten your soul. And the only thing you want is for a loved one to simply reckon with your inner flaw, with a problem that causes mental suffering.
- Learn to express your thoughts, discuss situations, armed with positive emotions. Do not neglect "rose-colored glasses" when communicating with a loved one on a sensitive topic. The more benevolence and love you have, the more benevolent your loved one, the easier he will make concessions, understanding, agreement.
- The problem shouldn't look like a complaint. Explain what is bothering you. Argument - concrete facts are much more convincing than labels: "You piss me off," "That you are behaving like Don Juan," and so on.
- Know how to stop in time if you feel that one of you "suffered". Perhaps your loved one is in a difficult state and does not perceive your request or problem quite adequately. Then you can use the "white flag", surrender for a while. Do not be afraid to give up and recognize the winner in a loved one - after all, this is "your own", and the peace between you is much more valuable than a victory won at the cost of psychological trauma or proven righteousness, which can become a source of emotional discomfort for a loved one.
Be condescending to each other
Condescension to each other is a real recipe for happiness. If a loved one feels that any of his offenses will be understood and forgiven, will feel your love, which manifests itself regardless of the circumstances, his trust in you will be inexhaustible, and this is worth a lot, since the person you trust has no need to lie, hiding the truth …
After clarifying the relationship, "remove the trash" from the experienced emotions. Learn to forgive, even though it can be difficult at times. The inability to forgive is a serious flaw that poses a danger to any, even the most romantic, ideal relationship. Never remember old grievances, especially those for which you have long been asked for forgiveness. Returning to old grievances, you cross out all the good things that happened after the forgotten reconciliation, you devalue the request for forgiveness. What was - that passed, it is stupid to return negative emotions, drawing them from the past.
Remember: there is no relationship without negativity! There are no perfect people who perfectly fit into our expectations, plans and ideas about the "ideal soul mate". Any relationship is a test of the ability to be human even in situations that we don't like and don't like. And if you are seething with an overabundance of energy - better arrange a "pillow battle" - this will remove the negativity and introduce into the relationship an element of a pleasant, trusting game.
